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 Tasers,every woman should have one!

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Posts : 131
Join date : 2009-07-02

PostSubject: Tasers,every woman should have one!   Thu Jul 09, 2009 7:04 pm

I came across this story on the net and cheekily thought i would borrow it....... tongue

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects
of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA ba tteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that
I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the w while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant rewa rd
for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

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Posts : 33
Join date : 2009-07-04
Location : east sussex

PostSubject: Re: Tasers,every woman should have one!   Fri Jul 10, 2009 12:22 pm

What a beeooot Zeze.
Will he test it again ??
Did he hae the nerve tae gie it tae the wife ??
Could've found that handy when visitin' a few o' ma mothers-in-law. cat

Mother in law, mother inlaw, mother in law, mother in law,
The worst person I know,
mother in law, mother in law
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Posts : 131
Join date : 2009-07-02

PostSubject: Re: Tasers,every woman should have one!   Fri Jul 10, 2009 3:05 pm

A few mothers -in-law Torry? Shocked How many have ye goat?
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PostSubject: Re: Tasers,every woman should have one!   Fri Jul 10, 2009 5:20 pm

You a bigamist, TL? Shocked
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