THE LABOURER

Subject: THE LABOURER Sun Jul 05, 2009 9:15 am

Young guy drives up to a building site in a Rolls Royce looking for a job.

The foreman looks at the car and asks him what kind of work he's expecting to do.

" Any labouring job'll do for me," he says.

"Labourers don't get paid much here," says the foreman.

" Nae bother, dae Ah get a start ?"

" Start noo, or whenever ye want"

The foreman keeps an eye on him and he's working like good yin.

"Tell me," says the foreman,"How can you afford tae run that big Roller on labourers wages ?"

" Ah do a lot of bettin'"

" Bettin'?, Whit kind of bettin'?"

" Ah'll make a make a bet on anythin' "

" Make a bet wi' me ?"

"Aye. Ah'll bet that you've got a rupture by Friday, lunch break."

"Right kid. Yer on. 50 quid."

"OK. 50 quid."

The rest of the week the foreman makes sure that he lifts nothing heavier than his tea mug and on Friday lunch break he goes to the young lad and tells him that he's fifty quid down.

" Well I'll have tae check that oot first."

So they go behind the gaffer's hut and the gaffer takes his trousers down and the lad holds his balls for a second.

"OK," he says and hands over fifty notes.

" Ah can't see how you can run such a car when you're making stupid bets like that, lad."

The young lad points up to the scaffolding around the building site.

" See all those guys up there ?

I bet them all fifty pound a head I'd have your balls in my hand by Friday lunch break !"

b]

Posts : 55 Join date : 2009-07-03 Location : Edinburgh

Heard that one before shullin.

Subject: Re: THE LABOURER Wed Jul 08, 2009 1:50 pm

Aye, it's an auld yin,

but still funny as feck.

Twisted Evil

Posts : 55 Join date : 2009-07-03 Location : Edinburgh

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-07-02

A TRUE STORY FROM A SCHOOL IN WHITEINCH GLASGOW

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be fucked!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-07-02

How to get to Heaven in Scotland

TRUE STORY FROM A SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER...

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they

understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale

And gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept

Everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the

children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for

them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTAE BE FUCKN' DEED..........'

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-07-02

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Cos men are like that.

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-07-02

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. Laughing

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-07-02

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done,

Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done,

Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish jonny jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent,"Our next door neighbour is paint'n his house with a 2 inch

brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

Posts : 55 Join date : 2009-07-03 Location : Edinburgh

I like those Jimbo. Laughing

Posts : 131 Join date : 2009-07-02

That last one is brill!! THE LABOURER Lol2

Posts : 33 Join date : 2009-07-04 Location : east sussex

Out of the mouths of babes, as the saying goes.
But it does happen very frequently !!
Very Happy

Lovely bunch Jimini. Very Happy

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
I want to walk you home, I want to walk you home,
Please let me walk you home

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-07-02

Why shucks, thank you, all. Embarassed

Posts : 55 Join date : 2009-07-03 Location : Edinburgh

Yir welcome Jimbo.